The world feels like a really dangerous place right now, So, of course, people want to find ways to be happy and entertained. It’s a logical move, but I think that we do ourselves a disservice if we don’t give ourselves the opportunity to create/recognize the safety we have within ourselves.
If you’re a client you’ve heard me say this that therapy typically has a theme. What y’all may not have realized is that I use these themes to inform my blogs every month, because sometimes there’s more to it than what I can give in a 60-min session, ya know?! This particular theme really weighed heavy on me so I wanted to share my thoughts with everyone.
A few days ago, I had a conversation with my husband about the difference between suppression and self-control. By definition, to suppress is to forcibly end or prevent something from happening. It’s a natural defense mechanism that we use to consciously and subconsciously block something that’s uncomfortable or undesirable. You hear about people suppressing their feelings/emotions all the time, right? Well, in our convo, a point was brought up that suppression and self-control aren’t all that different. As I put more thought into it, I realized that I agree to an extent. However, one is more problematic than the other.
You see when it comes to suppression, I believe that we use it as an out sometimes. We put ourselves in a mindset that we’ll just come back to it because we don’t have time to feel or go through whatever is happening for us in that moment. Honestly, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes it’s just not the right time or place, but suppression becomes problematic when we choose to NEVER give ourselves the opportunity to come back to it. We dissociate.
There’s a pretty cool graphic that I saw on FB that demonstrates what happens when we choose to suppress or numb an emotion. (I can’t get it to link properly, but its created by @heyAmberRae and it’s titled Sitting in Discomfort) The feeling can persist, and even intensify the longer we avoid it. When we do this we run the risk of it showing up in another aspect of our life and even in a way we’d prefer it not to. We don’t always make the connection immediately, but when we do, it can be jarring and depending on who’s involved, it can impact relationships. I’m going to be bold here and assume 2 things.
1. You value your relationships.
2. You don’t want those problems.
So, how do we combat this? My answer is Self-control. I believe that self-control is different because it requires you to be active or conscious in your decision making.
For example…
Let’s walk through an example of suppression and then self-control using anger. Anger is a primary emotion that people commonly tend to suppress. It’s known to cause physical tension in the body and can lead people to say and do things that may be considered regrettable or undesirable in hindsight. Allowing yourself time to be angry is the DEFINITION of sitting in discomfort, and yet, most people don’t. As the anger intensifies, people try to convince themselves that the experience of anger isn’t worth it. They may turn to busy work or immediately do things that make them happy so they don’t have to feel or THINK about the anger. It may feel like putting it in a box. This is suppression.
Now, Imagine you’re in a situation with a friend that makes you angry. You don’t say anything about it and talk yourself out of feeling the anger about the experience. So a few days later, a similar situation occurs, and you suppress the feelings again. Then a few weeks later, it happens again and you suppress it again. Every time you think about it, your anger increases. Then, 3-4 months down the line, the situation is mentioned in a social setting and this time you lose it. Your anger has turned into rage, there’s an outburst, maybe even some form of violence.
In that moment, it’s intense; it feels like a release, but it takes you some time to calm yourself down. Afterwards, you go on about your life like it never happened (or feel proud of/justified in your actions), then a few days later a trusted friend follows up with you about the optics of the situation and the damage that was done. You realize that no one knew the experience caused you anger in the first place because you didn’t say anything and your outburst looks like an exaggeration because you didn’t say/show anything, or set a boundary to begin with. Not only that, but you exploded at the mention of the situation, not at it actually happening again and the person who mentioned it, wasn’t directly involved.
This is how suppression becomes problematic.
Now imagine the same situation happening. You suppress your anger in the moment because you feel its not the right time, maybe you forget about it, but then a few days later a similar situation occurs. This time, you make a mental note to address it with your friend in private. Your anger is building and you want to respond in the very moment, but you consider what you want the experience to be and actively choose to separate yourself instead.
Later that week, you come back to it, maybe while journaling or exercising and consider what specifically happened and what about the situation made you angry. You choose to communicate this to your friend, set the boundary for yourself, and not to act out in the way you really want to (because… personal accountability). 3-4 months later the situation is brought up in a social situation by someone who witnessed it and you are about to lose it. Then you remember that this person doesn’t know you and instead of an angry explosion, you play the tape through, manage your impulses, and directly address the situation and state your boundary. This is self-control.
Did you catch the difference?
I believe that defense mechanisms serve a purpose. They keep us safe in situations that don’t feel safe at all. They protect us from the exiles. I also believe that if your defense mechanisms become a hindrance you have the ability to change how you respond to uncomfortable emotions. It’s a process, more specifically, it’s a LEARNING process. Take the time to learn if you’re suppressing your emotions or if you’re utilizing self-control to operate in a way that brings you closer to your joy. Both are opportunities to create internal safety, but only one gives us the chance to truly define what that safety means to us.
As always, If something resonates and you decide that you want to subscribe or access services, you can enter your email address below or reach out using the information on the Contact page. You can also click schedule to request your free 15 min consultation. I am actively accepting clients in NC. Until next time, Take Care, Beloved!
