It’s been dang near 7 years and it’s still a wonder to me that I ended up with the honor parenting 2 amazing little humans. It often feels surreal. No lie, I probably still say this at least twice a month. I know for a fact the people closest to me have heard it at least once, and honestly, I think its still going to be a while before it truly sinks in. So, in honor of Mother’s Day, I’d like to hold space for everyone out there who is, or desires to be in some capacity, a mom. You are the real MVP, beloved! Seriously!
There were a lot of things I wasn’t prepared for. There were many parts of my birth stories that were difficult, and left me feeling defeated. Even now, some days I question my ability to “do this right”. But you know what, even thought it isn’t
always easy, I chose to dedicate my professional experience to being what I wish I had in my own experience.
Wait… I’m what!?!? (may be triggering)
I found out that I was pregnant on Mother’s Day 2016. The letters popped up on that home test real fast, clear as day, PREGNANT. From the time I went to my OB it was a stressful experience. I was 28 and told the pregnancy would be considered high risk. I believe the provider called me geriatric. On top of that I’m told I have a cyst competing with my baby for space. It was a time. Things felt, what I would consider typical, until around 22 weeks when I was told that my baby was fighting for his life and that I would need to take prescribed narcotics to manage the pain. I remember that I’d told this particular provider that I was not willing to do that, but I wanted to know what other options I had. I guess she took offense to me refuse the meds and pretty much told me to suffer anywhere but the L&D triage. At that time I was working and interning on the Psych Unit of a local hospital and I vividly remember this being my first experience of witnessing someone advocate for me professionally. I’m so thankful for everyone who worked with me on that unit. Especially the Psychiatrist who recognized that my attending’s bedside manner was subpar, at best.
This experience changed the trajectory of my pregnancy. My anxiety went and stayed through the roof. Well, at least until he was born. I feel like I was fine until I realized that nearly none of the providers were willing to spend time to help me truly understand the experience. I knew it would be hard.
Fast forward approximately 6 months postpartum, and things just don’t feel right. I felt like I was floating and drowning at the same time the cuddles brought me peace and the cries broke my spirit. Everyone I’d spoken to meant well, but no one could give me more than, “you’ll be alright”. My husband did his best but I couldn’t shake the feeling, nor could I clearly describe it. I just kind of dealt with it in silence and smiles.
Another one…
Then 18 months later we did it all over again. This time I wasn’t trying to plan a wedding, complete grad school, and work full time. I was just an employee at a good paying but not fully satisfying job. You know… being the change.
This time it was different though. The pregnancy was different… calm. I wasn’t considered high risk, but with the level of complications I had, I should have been. Lil lady was born a month early and the postpartum period… I just couldn’t put my finger on it. If you watched my episode of The Kim Jacobs show, you’ve heard this story, so I won’t repeat it. This time, once I knew I needed help, I did all I could to access it.
Although I was never able to access professional counseling (a story for another day), I did take the assessments and learned that what I was experiencing was considered Postpartum Depression. It was a gut punch and a soothing relief. Heartbreaking to feel broken in that moment, but a relief to be able to put a name to it.
Be the change…
Eventually I accepted the experience for what it was and realized that there were too few resources for women of color in my area. So, I knew what I needed to do. By connecting with Postpartum Support International I was able to complete my perinatal mental health training, facilitate their Black Mom’s connect group every 1st Tuesday, and connect to some amazing Doulas, Doudlas, and other perinatal providers in the Carolinas. I decided that I wanted to be the therapist that was honest about the struggles and successes associated with the perinatal period in the Black community. I wanted to be about it. So I was.
I realize that parenthood is rewarding, exhausting, life-changing, frustrating, and joy-to-anger inducing all at the same time. And even on the days that I have to remind myself that I really am someone’s mom. I also don’t take it for granted. I recognize the effort and thought that goes into the perinatal experience for not just the birthing parent, but the support parent as well. It can be a lot, but truth be told, you are not alone. I hope that you take time to recognize yourself in your experience. I hope that you don’t lose sight of the person that you are outside of your role as a parent. Most importantly, I hope that if you feel yourself floating and drowning at the same time, you won’t hesitate to see help.
If you get nothing else from my experience, take this. Get in touch with who you are… what you feel. If it doesn’t feel right, say something. You are not alone. Help is available. For the entire family.
If you or your partner are in your unit’s perinatal period (conception to postpartum) please check out Postpartum Support International for free educational resources and support groups. You can also utilize their directory of Perinatal trained and certified providers to find someone in your area.
As always, If something resonates and you decide that you want to subscribe or access services, you can enter your email address below or reach out using the information on the Contact page. You can also click schedule to request your free 15 min consultation. I am actively accepting clients in NC. Until next time, Take Care, Beloved!
