“Ain’t no way…”
I can’t speak for everyone, but I know for a fact that there are things in my life that scare me. Specifically, when it comes to talking myself out of doing something, I’ve been typically quick to do it. For many things, I would tell myself that there’s no way I can accomplish what I’m setting out to do safely.”The risk is too high…”, “what if I fail”… “I can’t do this…” and don’t even get me started on how I would talk myself out of opportunities just because I couldn’t foresee the outcome of that choice in my life.
In this version of adulthood, I have realized that it’s okay for my life to be more about the journey and less about the outcome but old me consistently allowed fear to dictate my actions. There was no way that I could consciously choose anything that would make my life more difficult than it already was.
Then life happens. (trigger warning: Birth Trauma- italicized text)
It’s going to sound cliche, but I really had a life changing experience that changed my ENTIRE perception of what life was all about. I haven’t shared much of my birth stories on this platform, but that doesn’t take away from how I feel about the importance of doing so. I share mine because for some reason, people still don’t want to believe the Mortality Rate for Black birthers (but that’s another soapbox for another day). My life changed while laboring with my second child. My heart stopped, literally. I felt myself fade away and come back. The only thought I had after that is that I have to do more than just survive life. I have to live it.
Everything that happened in my process after that was pretty fuzzy, but what I do remember is that since then I realized that I wanted, more than anything, to live a life that allowed me to embrace the possibility of happiness coming from my choices, and not allowing the fear of failure to keep me from finding out what my greatest potential is. I at least have to try. Life’s too precious to choose fear and misery.
Choosing faith over fear
The change wasn’t immediate. It started with small things like not settling for food I didn’t like or that might have triggered an allergic reaction in restaurants. ( I have a weird allergy and would just avoid a portion of my plate instead of reiterating that I had an allergy to the staff) My personality didn’t change, I was still kind about it, but I had to remind myself that an allergic reaction was more detrimental for me and my family than asking to have a plate remade or not going back to a restaurant if they had a problem with my need for accommodation. (Boundaries, beloved).
As I got more comfortable with recognizing that I could ask for more out of life I also became more comfortable with assessing for the costs of not, at least, believing in myself enough to know that my needs aren’t “too much” for the “right” people.
Eventually having faith to go after the things I felt I needed led me to the point where I was able to write the text you’re reading at this very moment. Fear would have kept me working in a position that didn’t allow me to parent the way I wanted to. Fear would have kept me in a mindset that had me maintain loyalty to a company that tried to drop and replace me for having to see a doctor. Fear would have kept me from reaching my calling.
I decided that I wanted to take the “small” steps in order to see the big picture. I believe that is what it means to choose faith over fear. I’m going to do my due diligence in any given situation, but ultimately I’m going to trust that if my choice doesn’t cause harm to myself or someone else and its something I desire, no one will be able to make me feel bad about choosing things that will contribute to my joy… and I’m going to get what I need from my choice, even if it’s just a lesson.
I hope that you will be able to assess whether you are operating in faith or fear and that if it is fear, you’ll take time to learn what you’re afraid of. Please don’t allow fear to keep you from your joy.
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